So, here we stand on the brink of another tour adventure. By the end of next week another batch of anecdotes will be stored away in club folklore to place alongside those from the survivors of Cork, Amsterdam, The Lake District and Gloucestershire.


 Having been down this road a few times before I begin to consider myself something of a Tour Veteran although within the party of approximately 60 names there will be some tour virgins who even now anxiously wonder what the next week will bring. Indeed, even my good lady stands on the brink of her first tour and she is unsure what to expect. Well, wonder no longer.

 
 Whilst every tour is different there are certain inalienable truths that will be the same regardless of venue. Allow me to explain

 

1)      The average mental age on display shall be about 6 years old regardless of place, position or job on Civvy Street. If you adopt this mentality, even if you don’t know too many of the touring party, you’ll fit right in.

2)      The Cricket shall in no way be deemed serious, indeed the start time of the later games gets progressively put back as the pub lunches get longer. Anyone with the misfortune to be dismissed without scoring shall be subject to the duck whistle and later wearing of a yellow ’Duck Hat’, this shall be deemed only fair and right by all on tour.

3)      Most tourists will wear a Tour Shirt. This shirt counts as Tour Uniform, a sign of belonging and, after the tour ends, a souvenir of battle.

4)      Pranks and tomfoolery. When a group of lads get together (even if accompanied by their better halves) there is always the possibility of the occasional practical joke to jolly things along. It seems that the jape of choice is to wait until the intended target is in the shower and then take their towel, kit and clothing and dump them on the square some 100 yards away whilst the rest of the side scatter. Personally speaking I don’t see what is wrong with the old favourite of smearing ‘Deep Heat’ on the jock strap before your target strides out to bat.

5)      Fines are the very essence of tour life. Everyone shall be fined every night and to attempt to avoid being fined will be both futile and lead to a pretty boring day. If all else fails you’ll be fined for being anonymous. All fine money goes behind the bar on the last night anyway so it all comes back to you.

6)      Every tour shall have a ‘King’ and a ‘Fag’. Tour King sets the rules and is responsible for overseeing the social side of tour, Fag is his monkey and bagman.  For Steve Charles having a ‘Fag’ is just like being back at school

7)      Every tour shall have at least one communal curry night. Any one not ordering at least a  Madras shall be viewed suspiciously

8)      Each club played on a tour puts themselves out purely to satisfy the needs of a bunch of strangers. They have to raise a side mid-week, open their club up and make enough food to feed a coach load of players and hangers on. To return the favour the touring side stay behind for some hours to ‘put money behind the bar’, in effect you are compelled to stay behind and drink. Tough life, eh?

9)      Melton Mowbray Pork Pie. At the end of each game there is a presentation made to the home side usually with a memento or two of our fair county, and what else is more Leicestershire than a Melton Mowbray Pork Pie. It’s actually quite a fair thing to give, there are pies on the pitch and a pie presented off it at the close of play.

10)  Slow Handclap. With no league points at stake and no cup to progress in there is little point in ‘boring’ cricket on tour, get out there and play a few shots! Anyone deemed to be playing for their average shall quite fairly be subjected to a slow hand clap. From memory the last recipient of the slow hand clap was a certain D Pounds Esq. at Frocester last year who promptly came down the pitch and slapped a big six out of the park. Unfortunately I seem to recall his Churchillian salute towards his team mates was delivered the wrong way round in all the excitement.

 

So there you have it. If you can lower yourself to schoolboy level for 4 days, if you can laugh with strangers until they are friends and if you can join in without being self conscious you’ll have a great tour. Personally speaking I’m like a kid at Christmas at the mere thought and can’t wait.